Before they ever officiate a professional game, NFL officials have the league’s nearly 300-page rulebook drilled into their hippocampus. Which is why we know the two officials captured on video appearing to collect an autograph from Tampa Bay Bucs receiver Mike Evans had to have known better.

Following Sunday’s Panthers-Buccaneers game, two officials identified as side judge Jeff Lamberth and line judge Tripp Sutter tracked down Evans for what appeared to be an autograph. The videos, taken by Carolina Panthers reporter Sheena Quick of FOX Sports Radio 1340, have already sparked an investigation by the league office, according to the NFL Network’s Tom Pelissero.

There’s been no confirmation that Evans was asked to sign an autograph, but the NFL’s investigation signals that this was not a routine action for officials.

There is absolutely no reason an official should be autograph-seeking in the middle of the tunnel after a game, if that is indeed what happened. The appearance of fraternization with players creates a cloud of suspicion that the league would rather avoid. Gathering Evans’ John Hancock, allegedly, didn’t lead to a Bucs victory, as they were upset by the Panthers. Evans’ dropped touchdown and Tom Brady’s ineffectiveness did the Bucs in, but it does breach the strict professional boundaries that the NFL has in place.

Interestingly, Lamberth, in his 21st season as an official, and Sutter, in his fourth, knew who to ask, and Evans obliged without thinking twice. However, several onlookers gawked at the exchange while they headed back to the locker room. This also didn’t appear like an impromptu signing. The officials spot Evans, call his name, get him to sign, and walk their separate ways after fewer than 15 seconds, which gives the appearance that the officials had discussed something with Evans before entering the tunnel.

The most galling part of this incident is that the severe precedent for violating the non-autograph offense is well-known. Before a 1995 game between the Packers and Buccaneers, game official Jerry Bergman messed around and found it. Bergman, a 30-year-veteran official, sought Brett Favre out to autograph eight football cards for his grandson. I don’t know if it’s worse that he went searching for Favre or that he was hounding players before the game. Reportedly, Bergman had also asked for autographs from running back Errict Rhett and LB Hardy Nickerson, who declined. Nickerson was ejected by official Walt Coleman in the fourth quarter for his role in a fight. For his part, Bergman was fined and disciplined, but never worked another NFL sideline again.

Bergman is the only modern NFL official punished for autograph-seeking on the job, but even Rhett and other Bucs teammates acknowledged that Bergman wasn’t the first to ask. In the 30 years since an example was made of Bergman, no officials have been caught, in part because they haven’t been irresponsible enough to ask for it in plain view of media and recording devices.

I mean, look at these guys. Shouting out Mike in the tunnel and then asking Evans to sign your scrap paper, allegedly, like it’s a high school yearbook is amateurish. They’re as giddy as teenagers for Mike Lynn Evans III. You gotta be kidding me. No offense to Mike and his eight-consecutive 1,000-yard seasons, but it’s incredibly poor judgment for an official to risk his six-figure salary for an autograph from someone who just dropped a potential 75-yard touchdown with 11 yards of separation between him and the nearest corner. How far has Tom Brady fallen? There are two lessons for officials to take from this. Don’t risk your job for anyone not in the top 20 of the most recent NFL 100. And even then, you’d have to do it more surreptitiously. The questions now are what will the NFL do, and will they keep their jobs?

Aaron Judge hadn’t been a free agent for…well, he’s not even a free agent yet at all, and already there is buzz that the Dodgers will be hot on his ass as they bid to create a 125-win team. The kicker is that according to MLB.com’s Mark Feinsand, the Dodgers would ask Mookie Betts to move to second base to accommodate Judge, even though Betts might be the best defensive right fielder around.

Imagine thinking the Dodgers would want to protect Chris Taylor in left so much that they wouldn’t punt Judge over there to have the best defensive outfield of Judge-Bellinger-Betts. Or they could let Bellinger walk because he keeps going to the plate with a pool noodle instead of a bat the past three or four years and let Betts and Judge handle center off-and-on for a year until they figure something else out.

You would think Bryce Harper’s heroics would lead to more teams being in on Judge and dreaming of their own moments, and it’s pretty safe that at least the Giants and Mets make a passing effort. The World Series hasn’t even started, and the greatest chase is already on. How NBA of them. 

There is no getting it back from the Patriots or their fans. They’d have to go through a couple of decades of haplessness, and that’s only because most of the Pats fans you know will be dead by then, and only then could you get some peace. Such has been their track record. The battle is lost, so you have to take your moments where you can. They’ll never amount to what they have, but they’re at least more recent.

Remember last season, when they couldn’t wait to tell us that everything would be fine under Mac Jones? Never mind he couldn’t throw a ball over five yards that could break a sheet of paper. The Patriots knew better, they would keep on winning with a QB that had Laffy Taffy for an arm because they were the Patriots and that’s how the world worked. They’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you remember?

Wasn’t true of course, but because Patriots fans knew better, they switched allegiances to a guy this year who didn’t even dress to start the season and only got on the field because Brian Hoyer turned into baby food or something. Maybe Hoyer was always baby food, who could tell? But yes, the Gillette Stadium faithful couldn’t wait for Bailey Zappe or Frank Zappa or whoever to take the field instead of the guy they all told us was the answer last year simply because he was a Patriot. They knew better, see.

Of course, after one drive where the Bears’ defense thought they were playing hide and seek, Zappe couldn’t zomby woof his way to any more points. He threw two INTs and also forgot how to make a handoff. They didn’t produce a point against a Bears defense that has no established playmakers aside from Robert Quinn, who is doing his best not to get hurt before he gets traded. This Zappe is really going places, I tell ya. Oh, Carson Wentz had the same rating as Zappe against the Bears. That’s the class we’re talking about.

Joe Buck couldn’t wait to tell us what a major upset this Bears win was, clearly working off the same old software that everyone else has. The Patriots can’t be majorly upset, they can’t even be just upset, because they’re not good. This is the NFL, there are three good teams, and the rest are a morass where nothing is going to make sense and anything is possible and there are no statements about anything. It’s just a bunch of stuff that happens.

Still, watching Pats fans glom onto Zappe after like 12 minutes of play in his career, trying to be the first to say that they were the first to know that they had Brady 2.0 and then smash cut to that Patriots fan with the foam finger was about as delicious as it gets. It was an entire fan arc in just an hour or two. Those dipshits with the No. 4 jerseys and signs are going to have those for a while. They spent either money or time on that. This is the good stuff.

I recognize that desperation, I’ve seen it here with the Bears. Convincing yourself that this guy is going to be the one because it has to be. Either the law of averages says so, or the confidence that the Patriots, the PATRIOTS, couldn’t possibly have a quarterback problem.

But look deep into their eyes or hear the crack in their screams, and you may pick up what they’re really saying, what they really fear. And that they simply might have caught lightning in a bottle with Tom Brady all those years ago in the draft, and it’s never going to happen again. Ten years from now, it could just be that the Pats are just the Dolphins or Jets again, what they were before all this started when Drew Bledsoe’s ribcage suddenly developed hinges. Maybe. Maybe not, but that’s the fear. You can sense it.

But hey, Zappe called Buck and Aikman “sir,” so he must be good, right?

It’s a struggle to get billionaire owners to see themselves as the public views them. When you’re heavily isolated and surrounded by yes men, it’s easy to think your plan for league domination is flawless, and your various exploits are on the level and wouldn’t get any person without an army of lawyers at least five years in prison.

Of course, the good owners don’t get the same shine as the shitty ones, but there seem to be 10 repulsive examples for every standup one. So, in honor of the owners’ lack of self-awareness, I thought offering up their James Bond supervillain comp might help drag them back to a reality where they’re not demigods.

In the ensuing slideshow, I’ll provide the comp and a brief explanation of why I paired the two.

Also, for those of you expecting to see henchmen, this is just the egomaniac with the money, and not the metal teeth or steel-rimmed bowler hat. I’m not trying to get sued (again) and rich people have an itchy lawyer finger. The commissioners are the ones doing the real dirty work anyway, so they’re more apt for that comparison.

OK, there are a million of these flicks and just as many plotting owners so let’s get started. (Remember, these owners haven’t actually done anything these Bond villains did during these films.)

Professional sports are like many other industries. The goals of management and the employees are not always aligned.

Employees — in the case of pro sports, the players — are looking to perform as well as possible, and also looking to gain as much wisdom as possible at their current location so they can continue to improve. Management wants employees to do those things, but always wants it done in a way that manages costs and maximizes profits.

How that last part is achieved varies across professions, but in sports that might mean it’s in the organization’s best interest to lose games. That most certainly is the case for the Carolina Panthers and Utah Jazz.

Their goals were not the same at the beginning of their respective seasons. The Jazz had jettisoned their two best players, and all of their key contributors, with the exception for Jordan Clarkson and Mike Conley. In Charlotte, the Panthers saw a path to a playoff berth in a weak NFC with a strong defense and the return of Christian McCaffrey, so they acquired 2018 No. 1 pick Baker Mayfield in a trade to play quarterback. What was sent away in that deal, as opposed to what the Jazz received in return for trading Rudy Gobert and Donovan Mitchell, the price comparison is a bicycle to a Mercedes-Benz.

After six games, the Panthers turned out to be in the same position as the Jazz — arguably the worst team in the league. So they went full firesale and traded McCaffrey to the San Francisco 49ers. On Sunday, the Panthers’ very next game, they pounced on the division-rival Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a dominating performance, with former XFL quarterback P.J. Walker outplaying Tom Brady.

In Salt Lake City, through three games into the 2022-23 NBA season, the Jazz are one of four remaining undefeated teams. They throttled one of the preseason Western Conference favorites — the Denver Nuggets — in their season opener, and pulled out two hard-fought overtime wins against the Minnesota Timberwolves and New Orleans Pelicans. Lauri Markkanen is playing some of the best basketball of his life — averaging 24 points per game — Clarkson is still a threat to get hot at any moment, and the Jazz are still only playing their best scorers a shade under 20 minutes per game. The last season in which Collin Sexton didn’t go down early with injury, he averaged 24.3 points per game on 47.5/37.1/81.3 shooting splits.

The prize for the No. 1 overall pick in the NFL and NBA is truly grand in 2023. The best quarterback prospect is Bryce Young, who is a Patrick Mahomes-like final drive from Hendon Hooker away from still being undefeated, and top-prospect Patrick Wembanyama of France, who plays basketball like literally no one before him.

Management for the Panthers and the Jazz have every right to think that these two players can quickly make them one of the more relevant pro franchises, but where their interest conflicts with the employees is a lot of players currently rostered likely won’t be on either team should they win the ultimate prize: The No. 1 pick.

Losing is not fun on any level of competition. No one wants to practice, then exert game energy to come up short over and over again. Even the athletes who make great money, their competitiveness is a large part of the reason why they are professionals. Also, knowing that these bad teams that they are currently on will likely not be their final stop in their careers, they need to continue to play as well as possible so they can go on to have a financially lucrative career while the terrible team that they currently play for may or may not achieve their tanking goals.

In the NBA, the Western Conference is top heavy with about as many good teams as there are playoff spots, so the Jazz will most likely be in the lottery. If they finish with one of the four-worst records they will have the best odds at the No. 1 overall pick, and if they have the fifth-worst record, they have a 12.5 percent chance as opposed to 14. For all that the Jazz’s roster lacks, they do have veteran talent, and Danny Ainge might have to find a way to get rid of some of that veteran experience to be sure and anchor the Jazz into the bottom five.

The Panthers have already lost five games, and prior to their Week 7 upset victory, three consecutive defeats were by double digits. However, as bad as they have looked, to stay in depths of the NFL ocean will require consistent descent. The Houston Texans do appear to be what they were projected to be — the worst team in the league. Also, the hopes for that Detroit Lions turnaround that started with an entertaining season of HBO’s Hard Knocks, have quickly been dashed. Also, the Chicago Bears, Pittsburgh Steelers and Jacksonville Jaguars could find themselves in that cluster of bad NFL teams.

Sure, the players are happy and productive employees right now for the Panthers and Jazz, but that doesn’t mean much for those franchises’ bottom lines in the future. They need stars to build around, and next year, two of the biggest enter both leagues.

Landing one of those two is what would be considered winning for management, but all they can do is get rid of talent. In this profession, ironically because of the control management has over players’ contracts that allows them to be moved as quickly as the bosses see fit, what they have no control over is how the players’ work. The players’ job is to play hard and attempt to win, regardless of how much their employers have to hide their disappointment with every victory.

Jerry Jones is a salesman and says whatever is needed at any given time. When Dak Prescott went down with an injured thumb in Week 1, Jones seemed ready to replace him permanently in favor of Cooper Rush after just a couple of games. Prescott returned for Dallas’ Week 7 matchup, which they won over the Detroit Lions, 24-6. Jerry hopped right back on the Dak train, explaining in too much detail how happy he was to have his franchise quarterback return to the field.

We’ll file that comment under the “too much information” category. Jones loves being the center of attention, and if it takes him saying something controversial about his team, that’s what he’ll do. No NFL coach, owner, or player, for that matter, ever wants a QB controversy during the season. Jones claimed he wanted that after the team got off to a good start with Rush under center in place of Prescott. The Hall of Fame owner/general manager even said he’d walk to New York for that.

“That means we’d won,” Jones said. “If he comes in and plays as well as Prescott played … I’d walk to New York to get that.”

After expressing that he’d gladly welcome a QB battle between Prescott and Rush, Jones recanted and said there was no scenario in which the team would opt for Cooper over Dak. Once again, Jones was saying what he felt needed to be said at the time. This is what the 80-year-old Cowboys owner is known for: grandstanding. Jones possesses one of the biggest mouths and egos in football, and that’s saying something.

It’s no secret that Jones has never been Prescott’s biggest fan, going back to when he replaced Tony Romo in 2016. Jones wanted to throw Romo back in there once he could return, but the Cowboys had played so well under Prescott that there was no turning back. The moment had passed for Romo, and Dak continued as a starter and hasn’t looked back.

Jones even doubted Prescott after signing him to a four-year, $160 million deal in 2021. Jones admitted he’d overpaid for Prescott at the press conference following the signing while sitting directly beside him. The bitter negotiation lasted two years as Dak’s side undoubtedly won that pissing contest, leaving Jones upset over what he was forced to pay.

There’s always a time and place for everything, and no matter how Jones felt about the negotiation, he didn’t need to put his newly “overpaid” QB on blast in that manner. He’s never done that with any other free agent in a public forum like he did with his Pro Bowl QB. Jones didn’t even do this to Brandon Carr when Dallas signed him away for Kansas City in 2012 on a five-year, $50 million contract. I’m sure Jones regrets every penny of that deal, but he never voiced it the same way. With Prescott, it’s been a different story since he stepped in for Romo.

The first legit chance Jones gets to replace Prescott, please believe he’ll jump at the opportunity. As the owner, it’d be nice if he just stayed out of the way, to begin with, but you don’t see other owners openly disparaging their QBs the way Jones has done Dak since he walked through the doors in Dallas. Rush isn’t good enough to replace Prescott on an equal playing field, but let the Cowboys come across a player that could legitimately challenge Prescott, and you’ll see Jerry’s true colors come shining through once again. 

“New York Yankees” and “inferiority complex” are two combinations of words that have probably never met in a sentence for over 100 years or so. This is the New York Yankees, the absolute biggest symbol of American exceptionalism, even when it’s a sport that no other place plays. They’re the Yankees, the most glamorous, the most assured, the most famous team we have. And while they and their fans’ inclination to act like the only people in the room annoys the piss out of just about everyone else, you had to admit for the longest time that it was deserved. There really isn’t much more of a throughline in American sports, maybe even American culture, than the Yankees throughout their entire existence.

Except now. The Yankees haven’t acted like the Yankees, haven’t acted like the big bad on the block, and now they keep getting their ass kicked when it matters most.

Maybe it’s not as bad as watching their historical punching bag become the more successful organization in this century. They have lost an ALCS, an ALDS, and an AL Wildcard to the Red Sox, though it’s been spread out. They also trail in the championships count 4-1. If that wasn’t enough for the Yankees to realize they’ve lost their place, then the past few years of running into an orange and blue painted wall should be.

The Yankees are on the ass-end of yet another beating from the Astros for a host of reasons. Bad and timid management would be a start. Sure, the Yanks have a big payroll, except it’s all in the wrong places. They took on salaries other people didn’t want. Were they surprised that a 37-year-old red-assed Josh Donaldson would run out of gas somewhere in June? That Giancarlo Stanton would get hurt and be handcuffed by the superior pitching in the playoffs?

These are the Yankees, they don’t paper over their cracks. Why was an overmatched rookie starting at shortstop? Why was he replacing a slappy, glove-only candidate who definitely wasn’t named Carlos Correa or Cory Seager?

Why was the rotation after Gerrit Cole buttressed by Nestor Cortes, throwing 70 more innings than he ever had, which of course led to physical problems? Jameson Taillon, a Pirates cast off? What was this bench?

The Yankees basically boiled down to what Aaron Judge, and Stanton when healthy, could do and not a whole lot else. Speaking of Judge, when was the last time a Yankee went on a “Fuck You” World Tour against them because they wouldn’t pay him? These are the Yankees, with their modern, now-fake cathedral to themselves of a ballpark and their own network, and their offer to Judge would have paid him less than FranciscoLindor or Nolan Arenado or Carlos Correa or Corey Seager. Now he’ll make more than all of them, and he’ll probably do it somewhere else. Since when do the Yankees try to get away with trying to get a discount? These are the Yankees, and discounts are supposed to be the territory of the plebes. The Bombers cut whatever check is necessary.

That inferiority complex spreads beyond the club. The bleacher creatures haven’t stopped moaning about the Astros and 2017, and yet they’ve gotten kicked to the curb by them twice since. Also…THE YANKEES GOT CAUGHT CHEATING TOO. What they’re really complaining about is that the Astros were just better at it than they were. And either they still are, or it didn’t matter, and either way it means the Yankees are deficient.

When the Yanks hit the skids in the middle of the season, Yankees observers couldn’t wait to scream how they were always a mirage and would never be able to run with the Astros. And now that they’ve proven they can’t run with the Astros, they’re still screaming. If the Yankees were never good enough, shouldn’t those around the team be nodding their heads in satisfaction now? It shouldn’t have been a surprise. Neither they nor the team should get it both ways.

It’s just so strange, and really an admittance of defeat, to see the Yankees act like the little guy. To hear them complain about the Astros for five years. To bemoan the injustice of it all, when they are supposed to be the injustice in the world. To watch them come in second or worse in bidding for free agents. To have basically half a roster. To not have a plan to counter any of that.

Even while winning 99 games in the toughest division, the Yankees kept acting and playing like they had no chance to actually win the pennant. And then they didn’t. The Yankees don’t cower. They don’t accede. They don’t project defeat.

But this version did, and it’s exactly what they got.

If there were American coaches who were hoping that Jesse Marsch could be the first through the wall as a Yank managing in the big five leagues in Europe, they might be discussing a retreat right now.

Marsch’s Leeds United lost again on Sunday, 3-2 to Fulham, their eighth straight game without a win and their fourth straight loss.

Generally, when the fans start singing about wanting your exit and longing for the guy who came before you, there’s no way back. The atmosphere becomes poisonous and spreads to the players, if it hasn’t already. And those fans aren’t going to be placated by what the stat sheets say.

Because those stat sheets say that Marsch’s Leeds aren’t as bad as the results and the standings say. Except that’s the ultimate ammunition for the “Watch the game, nerd!” crowd. But it’s true. Leeds’ expected-goal difference for the season is ninth-best in the league, which is in direct opposition to their 18th place standing right now. Only once in their last four losses have they not gotten the better of the xG in the match. On Sunday, they had way more of the ball (58 percent to 42 for Fulham), more shots, more passes. Same story the week before, and the same story the week before that. Leeds are doing the things before the things that matter quite well.

Except… the things that matter. Leeds can’t finish, and Leeds can’t defend. Watch Fulham’s goals on Sunday and it looks like they’re playing against crash-test dummies. Look at how easy all this was before Willian had a tap-in:

And Leeds didn’t do much to address this half of the field in the summer. They brought in Tyler Adams and Marc Roca to protect the backline in midfield, and those two have been fine to good, but the actual defense wasn’t addressed. That trench you built in front of the castle walls is nice and all, but matters a lot less if the walls have giant holes in it. Robin Koch and Liam Cooper have been the most commonly used central defensive pairing, and Leeds’s shots per game and shots on target against per game are middle of the pack in the league. Still, no central defenders were added in the transfer market.

Where the problem might really lie, defensively, is that Marsch’s keeper sucks mondo ass. Illan Meslier gave up seven more goals than his post-shot expected goals said he should have last season, and he’s already at -2.9 barely a quarter into this season. He doesn’t make any big save Leeds needs to turn a match. That -2.9 mark is third-worst in the league.

The problem of “finish” is just as acute at the other end of the field. Again, Leeds’ rank in shots and shots on target per match are in the top half of the league. But they can’t get anything to touch twine. The attack was basically hinging on the very rickety legs of Patrick Bamford. Bamford only played in nine games last season because of injury, and while his 17 goals from the previous season suggest he can be a linchpin striker, it’s still only one season of proof.

Luis Sinisterra was brought in during the summer, but his biggest tally was 12 goals in the Dutch Eredivisie, where you get 10 goals for spelling your name correctly (Jozy Altidore will agree). Brendan Aaronson was another to support the attack, but Aaronson doesn’t score all that much, and his contributions are more through energy and causing chaos with his running than genuine inspiration.

Well, Bamford hasn’t been able to locate which way he’s facing so far this season in nine appearances, and there’s no one else stepping up. He’s had a couple one-on-ones the past two matches that would have swung this for Leeds and blew them both. He’s just out of sorts, and his lack of pace has always been something of an issue. Leeds needed a Bamford-insurance plan in their transfer dealings, and they didn’t get one.

But that’s too easy to absolve Marsch. Here’s a problem: They surrendered two goals after the 74th minute against Fulham. They gave up goals in the last 10 minutes of the first half against both Leiceister and Arsenal. They gave up a winner in the 76th minute to Palace before that. Marsch’s team just runs out of gas thanks to his high-intensity style.

And teams have worked it out. They slow things down for a while, play around Leeds’ press for half-an-hour or so, let them punch themselves out, and then profit. And Leeds don’t have much punch to come back. They had one shot on target in the last 15 minutes on Sunday. One shot on target in the last 20 against Leicester. Two shots in the last 15 against Arsenal, and all of these while trailing. Marsch hasn’t really shown a Plan B when his “get the fucking thing up the fucking field fucking quick” main tactic doesn’t work.

The longing for Marcelo Bielsa by the Leeds fans isn’t fair. Leeds definitely would have been relegated if Bielsa had stayed, as they were getting utterly throttled week in and week out. But that’s the gig at Elland Road, considering Bielsa was the guy to get them up and keep them there for a season. And Marsch’s humble-guy-act-as-long-as-the-cameras-are-on act wasn’t going to win too many people over. The huddle on the field after his first match, his touchline antics, his habit of inspirational quotes all give a very big, “LOOK WHAT I’M DOING!” feel. It’s going to lessen his runway.

The schedule will as well. They go to Liverpool and Spurs before the World Cup break, and also host a buoyant Bournemouth, too. Fans may accept a loss at Anfield, but should they not beat a recently promoted side at home no matter current form, and that could be curtains. If it isn’t, Leeds face a gauntlet of City and Newcastle right out of the World Cup break. It might get worse before it gets better.

Marsch’s ways didn’t work at Leipzig because he wanted to run a Red Bull system for a team that wasn’t really constructed. Now he wants to run a Red Bull system in a league that is almost certainly too punishing to survive in doing so. At the end of the day, Marsch’s bonafides are two league titles with the richest club in Austria that’s continued to win that league without him. If a beachhead for American managers was going to be established in Europe, maybe Marsch wasn’t the guy to do it. No matter what the analytics say.