Fat Bear Week is here!

Look, normally in this space in the a.m., I’d have to talk about Hockey Canada’s chair pulling a “Not All Men!” act in front of the Canadian parliament. Or a couple of owners in NWSL relinquishing “day-to-day” operations of their teams, but not selling their teams and disappearing into the cave where they belong because we already have one report showing how directly involved they were in protecting and aiding actual monsters and will soon get another. And we’ll get to all of that. But for now, we need some joy.

Because goddammit, once again it’s time for Katmai National Park’s Fat Bear Week, and we’ve got a dynasty to hold up!

Sometimes you have to turn away from this ugly world and soak in the joy of bears who have done nothing but eat the past few months, and are about to get one up on all of us by going to sleep for the next four to six. Fuck, how good does that sound right now? You wouldn’t even hear from Jon Heyman in hibernation!

It’s hard to find any creature, living their best life as much as these bears are, and instead of being jealous we can vicariously live through them thanks to Fat Bear Week. Maybe if we concentrate, we too can know what it’s like to eat a quarter of your weight in your favorite food every goddamn day. Maybe, for just one day, I could take down 50 pounds of lengua tacos, but for a whole summer? I’ll never know such gluttony and avarice! Led Zeppelin didn’t know such things in 1974!

And we’ve got an old standby to get behind in Otis. He’s your defending Fat Bear champion, the fourth of his crowns. He’s going for No. 5 this fall. He has to adjust his game, like any aging champion coming to the end of their dynasty does. The game adjusts, it changes, and the opponents know what’s coming after a while. At some point, you have to find a new way.

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His teeth aren’t what they used to be, and more than driving to the hoop he has to find his spots on the floor to let the salmon come to him. Maybe he can’t control the game by sheer force anymore like he used to. But can he hit all the right notes when the time comes? You bet your fucking ass he can! 62 pounds of salmon in one sitting! That’s Jordan’s double-nickel in the Garden after coming out of retirement, fuckos!

Yeah, I’m the freak who roots for dynasties. I want to see the best be the best, and be rewarded for being the best, not get lucky on some heater after muddling through the regular season, or just not being all that good. Gold and flags are supposed to be for the immortal, the legendary. You do everything right, you should win. Upsets are for losers.

Vote Otis. Otis is the king, Otis is the game as it’s meant to be played. And let’s be honest, Otis needs more rings than Lebron. You know it, I know it, the American people know it.