Qatar’s effort to sportswash its abysmal human rights record has received a couple of assists from notable soccer players, with David Beckham taking some cash to be an ambassador for the country during the World Cup, and French goalkeeper Hugo Lloris essentially saying he will shut up and dribble.

However, pop stars Dua Lipa and Rod Stewart aren’t here for it. Stewart said he declined “a lot of money, over $1 million” to make an appearance, explaining “It’s not right to go. And the Iranians should be out too for supplying arms.”

Wow, I didn’t know Rod got down on current events like that. He even offered a stray for Iran — who probably shouldn’t be there if Russia can’t participate.

I’m not sure how prevalent the Ukraine war is in the feeds of Gen Z’ers, but, if they care, Dua Lipa took to Instagram to make it clear that she never even considered taking part in the festivities.

“I will not be performing and nor have I ever been involved in any negotiations to perform. I will be cheering England on from afar. …

“I look forward to visiting Qatar when it has fulfilled all the human rights pledges it made when it won the right to host the World Cup.”

Damn, she shut down that rumor like someone accused her of flirting with Kanye.

And, to be frank, that’s the bare minimum. Even an aging relic like Stewart — a Celtic F.C. fan — has the wherewithal to say, “Hell no.” The 77-year-old artist, who hasn’t had a song in the top 10 on the charts since the ’90s, passed on a seven-figure payday because this World Cup is that radioactive.

Even though playing in Qatar isn’t leaving the PGA for the Saudi/LIV Golf Tour because FIFA foisted this upon its members, Beckham taking money he probably doesn’t need to glad hand for Qatar is pretty fucking close. And if Lloris doesn’t want to speak out against the host country’s cavalier view of humanity, at least shut the fuck about it. He comes off like he’s unaware of the word empathy and its meaning.

Who knows, maybe there’s not a French equivalent. What’s that? It’s just empathy with an ie? Good god.

The NFL’s Comeback Player of the Year Award is one of the most head-scratching awards in all of professional sports. Nobody really knows what it entails. Just look at the most recent award winners. All of them had wildly different paths to the honor.

In 2021, it went to Joe Burrow, who helped lead his team to the Super Bowl after suffering an ACL injury the year prior. In 2020, it was Alex Smith, who didn’t play particularly well, but won because of his ability to return to the field after suffering one of the most devastating, gruesome injuries in NFL history. In 2019, it was Ryan Tannehill, who wasn’t hurt the prior year, but resurrected his career as the starter for the Tennessee Titans that season, and that was the basis for his “comeback.” In 2018, it was Andrew Luck, and now we’re back on the injury bug, sort of mirroring what Burrow accomplished last year.

According to each of these notions, this year’s winner could be Saquon Barkley, who has led the New York Giants to an outstanding record (7-2) at the halfway point of the season after missing significant time with a series of injuries in 2021. It could be Christian McCaffrey, who’d been suffering those injuries for years and is now balling out with the San Francisco 49ers. It could be Derrick Henry for similar reasons to Barkley. If we were going to “recover from the most devastating injury” route, then perhaps the Commanders’ Brian Robinson could be considered for getting back on the field just four weeks after getting shot. If we were going the career resurrection route, then Seattle’s Geno Smith would be the frontrunner! It all depends on what the award truly stands for and this year could be very telling for how the award is looked at in the future.

Never before have there been so many legitimate candidates for an end-of-season award, and instead of trying to say one option is better than another, I’m going to try to diagnose the award via what I believe voters actually look at. And what is that? The story.

From what I can pick up, the player with the most enticing comeback story is the one who walks away with the hardware. Last year, Joe Burrow was all over everyone’s social media feeds in the postseason. You couldn’t walk two paces on NFL Twitter without seeing some iteration of Joe Sheisty or Joe Brrr. It certainly helped that he was balling out with his LSU teammate Ja’Marr Chase and the duo were breaking all sorts of records just two years after having the No. 1 overall draft pick.

In 2020, Alex Smith had documentaries made about the injury he survived. It was the 17 surgeries, the infection, the near amputation, and Smith’s resilience combined with his desire to get back on the field, just to show his kids that they could accomplish anything they set their minds to. Despite all that hardship, Smith went 5-1 as a starter and led his team to a postseason berth (albeit with a total team record under .500). That’s hard to pass up.

With Tannehill, nobody expected the Titans to compete for a playoff spot after starting the season 2-4 and benching their starter, Marcus Mariota. The Titans turned to 31-year-old Tannehill, and he blew everyone out of the water with his play. He practically turned Derrick Henry’s career trajectory around, went 7-3, and earned a playoff spot. What did he do after that? He proceeded to beat Tom Brady in Foxborough, beat the top-seeded Ravens, and reached the AFC Championship before falling to Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs. That’s a good story, and it was seen everywhere that season.

With that in mind, whose story are we seeing most often in the NFL nowadays? It’s Geno Smith.

I’d like to add that the Seahawks’ lack of expectations coming into 2022 also plays a factor. No one, and I mean no one, expected the Seahawks to be this good. Everyone believed that the NFC West was a three-horse race between the 49ers, Rams, and Cardinals — all of whom made the playoffs last season. The Seahawks were the forgotten step-child, the ugly duckling of the division, and now, 10 weeks into the season, they are still the division leaders. Geno Smith has been arguably the second or third-best quarterback in the entire conference. He went from battling for Seattle’s starting role with Drew Lock to a shoo-in for the Pro Bowl. Whether it be his viral “They tried to write me off. I ain’t write back though” statement after beating Russell Wilson in Week 1, or battling tough with Tom Brady in the NFL’s first-ever game based in Germany, Smith has proven to be a ticket-seller. He’s proven to be a fan-favorite. He’s proven that he belongs in the league for years to come.

This is no slight at what the likes of McCaffrey, Henry, Robinson, or Barkley had to go through, but rather a prediction. Based on how the past votes have gone, Smith should be the recipient. Is that the way it should be? Maybe not, but you can’t deny that almost anything that man does nowadays gets talked about all over NFL social media, and that kind of publicity is prime Comeback Player of the Year material.

“BELGIUM’S LAST CHANCE!” You’ve heard or seen this already. They are Europe’s big waste of the last decade. There has been no bigger collection of talent than what Belgium has sported for the last four major tournaments, and a 3rd place in Russia is all they’ve had to show for it. Either this is where the last spin comes up good, or the pressure of the previous failures cracks everything.

Belgium have been the hipster pick to win either the World Cup or Euros since 2014 or so, ever since Kevin De Bruyne and Eden Hazard started tearing part the Premier League at the seams, Romelu Lukaku started living up to his promise, Thibault Courtois became maybe the best keeper in the world, and an absurd amount of talent spread all over Europe’s best clubs. And they’ve never lived up to it. They kicked it at the quarterfinal stage to Argentina in 2014, somehow got slapped out of Euro 2016 by Wales, couldn’t overcome France in Russia and then found an Italian wall in their way in the summer of 2021. You could argue, if you were so inclined, that with this group of obscenely talented players, they’ve only beaten one true heavyweight in four tournaments, and that was Brazil in the quarters of 2018. And they were extremely lucky to do so (Brazil took 27 shots and ran up a 2.8-0.5 xG count in that game). Quite simply, the Red Devils have not lived up to the billing.

Some (like me) would point the finger at manager Roberto Martinez, who has always used his ease and availability with the media to mask the fact that he might not have any idea what he’s doing. He’s one of a parade of managers who made Everton a mess, though that might be intrinsic to that club. He somehow parlayed that into the Belgium job, where even with the unique collection of attacking talent, Belgium have never looked all that dynamic or cohesive.

Part of Belgium’s problem is that Martinez insists on a 3-4-2-1 formation, which doesn’t always get the best out of De Bruyne, though maximizes the plethora of players who can play at the wingback spots. The other problem is that Martinez has his favorites and rarely goes away from them. Even if one of them is Eden Hazard, who hasn’t played regularly for Real Madrid in three seasons and just isn’t the guy he was. Leandro Trossard or Charles de Ketelaere would gleefully take the spot opposite De Bruyne behind either Lukaku or Michy Batshuayi, and yet Hazard keeps finding himself in the starting 11. There are other kids who have chafed at sitting behind entrenched vets like Axel Witsel, who is almost certainly past his sell-by date.

The problem that Martinez is going to have to solve this time around is how to go farther in the tournament than Belgium ever has, the only acceptable result, with a defense that is three days older than water. It will still be anchored by Jan Vertonghen and Toby Alderweireld (combined age: Statler and Waldorf). Based on their recent Nations League outings, it looks like 19-year-old Zeno Debast will join them in the back three. It is certainly one way to go about it, but Belgium aren’t blessed with too many other options. In a lot of spots they have great starters but not too many options off the bench.

Martinez has never been too concerned with defending, always figuring he can outscore his defensive shortcomings, which would seem to be the only way for this Belgium squad with the defense so old. Which they can do. The firepower at wingback is the envy of most, with any of Yannick Carrasco, Trossard, Thomas Meunier, Timothy Castagne, and Thorgan Hazard able to play in the role. And all of them basically want to play as a forward while playing wingback. It’s why Belgium can put up big numbers as they’ve done in the past, like putting up three on Russia in the Euros or eight combined against Panama and Tunisia in the last World Cup, or storming back from two down against Japan as they did in that tournament as well.

But it’s always come unstuck when it’s time to dance with the big boys. Brazil, France, Portugal, and Italy didn’t find it all that difficult to neuter the attack. In those four games, all in the knockout stages of the last two tourneys, Belgium only piled up 2.9 xG combined, and 1.8 of that was against italy in 2021. Pin the wingbacks back, and suddenly they’re blunt. Canada’s wingers must be licking their chops.

Still, Belgium have been “around it” for a while now, and would only need a couple bounces to find themselves in the semis or even final. Should they win the group, they’ll get a very flawed opponent out of Group E be it Germany, Spain, or Mexico, or Japan. Get through that and it could be Portugal or Uruguay or Serbia or Switzerland or Cameroon, unless something goofy happens with Brazil in the group stage. Should they not win the group, then Brazil is much more likely to be waiting in the quarters.

Still, it would be a question how Martinez is going to balance his damn-the-torpedoes tactics with a defense that gets older by the second, if anyone thought Martinez was ever going to worry about it. It would be great if a swashbuckling side stormed to the trophy, but that rarely if ever happens. And it’ll be an interesting study to see how they deal with Canada’s rampaging wingbacks on the counter, much less a Portugal or Germany.

They won’t be the only ones worried about being aged in certain spots, as Croatia are still bringing along some wise old heads like Luka Modrić, Ivan Perišić, and Dejan Lovren. If momentum is a thing (it isn’t), then Croatia will have it coming into this tournament, as their last four games in the Nations League saw them go 3-0-1 against Denmark twice, France, and Austria.

While the defense may need some tinkering, the midfield is set with Modric, Mateo Kovačić, and Marcelo Brozović. Mario Pašilić is a nailed on starter in the front three, but the other two spots up front have been juggled through a host of options. There just isn’t a forward grabbing their chance with both hands.

But whatever you perceive Croatia’s problems to be–a lack of sure thing forward or some questions on defense — no team comes together quite the way Croatia seems to.

We would all like to think that Canada are just here for the party, because the last thing anyone needs is happy distracted Leafs fans, even for a couple weeks, but this group might have set up well for the Hosers to pull yet another surprise as they did in qualifying. The world doesn’t need to know more about Alphonso Davies on the counter, but in combination with Tajon Buchanan and Jonathan David in the middle, they could easily throw a fright into an exposed, aging defense like Belgium and a wonky one like Croatia. Or Cyle Larin, their leading scorer in qualifying, can come in to pair with David with Davies behind them, a look they sported in a friendly against Uruguay in September. How far Canada can go will probably hinge on how well their midfield duo of Stephen Estáquio and Samuel Piette/Richie Lareya can deal with the solid midfields they’ll see in the group stage. If they can’t provide a launch platform for Canada’s forwards, they’ll be home before the postcards. If they hold their own, there’s enough pace and spirit in this team to put up results that will pop some eyebrows. We know they’ll be at home tactically in games against Belgium and Croatia as both those sides will probably have more of the ball, and Canada already kicked around both Mexico and the US without it and hitting on the counter. The sight of either of those teams trying to chase down Canada when they get loose on a counter will be good for a chuckle

Morocco, just in time, came to the realization that having your best players is probably a good idea for a World Cup. So they canned the manager who had caused Hakim Ziyech to quit the national team, hired Walid Regragrui, who immediately welcomed Ziyech back. Which means Ziyech is back to combine with Achraf Hakimi on the right side, with Ziyech tucking in and leaving all the space for Hakimi to romp through. Morocco would find a lot of teams wanting to swap fullbacks with them, with Hakimi on the right and Munich’s Noussair Mazraoui on the other side (though his natural side is on the right too but needs must). Sofyan Amrabat is a very fine anchor in midfield, and Sofiane Boufal on the flip side from Ziyech has the potential to actually be a pretty sexy part of the attack. They will not be a pushover in this group.

Most likely manager to get red carded

Croatia’s Zlatko Dalić, for just being so damn handsome.

Best jerseys

I’m always a sucker for Croatia’s checkerboard look, but this time around it’s their away shirts that are truly boss.

Schedule

Wednesday, November 23rd – Morocco v. Croatia (5am EST), Belgium v. Canada (2pm EST)

Sunday, November 27th – Belgium v. Morocco (8am EST), Croatia v. Canada (11am EST)

Thursday, December 1st – Belgium v. Croatia, Canada v. Morocco (10am EST)

America may have largely voted against authoritarianism last week, but the New York Knicks continue to lean into it.

In James Dolan’s latest attempt to vanquish any opposition to the Knicks, except for the ones the team are scheduled to play against, he is attempting to ban a law firm from every single property owned by Madison Square Garden.

Larry Hutcher, and all other lawyers with the firm Davidoff Hutcher & Citron LLP are representing a group of ticket resellers that are currently banned from Madison Square Garden’s properties. The resellers are suing on the basis of New York’s Arts and Cultural Affairs law. Hutcher has been a season-ticket holder for the Knicks and New York Rangers for decades, but was informed earlier this year that they would not be renewed. MSG has a policy that bars lawyers from its properties if they’re involved in a case against the company.

This resulted in a second suit filed by Davidoff Hutcher & Citron LLP, and they received a partial victory on Monday. A judge ruled that lawyers from the firm must be permitted entry for music and theater shows at the Garden, Radio City Music Hall, and Beacon Theater if they present a valid ticket. There has been no ruling yet on Knicks and Rangers games.

Typical behavior from Dolan and his company. This is the same person who fired Marv Albert from MSG Network in 2004 for criticizing the Knicks, called former 21st Century Fox Executive Rupert Murdoch and got the company to remove ads from subway cars that made fun of the team, and has tried with every fiber of his being to keep the media away.

When the Knicks traded for Jalen Brunson and signed R.J. Barrett to a contract extension, they didn’t hold press conferences for either event. The Bruson one is especially fishy, because Knicks coach Tom Thibodeau hired his father, Rick, to be an assistant coach after he resigned from Thibodeau’s Minnesota Timberwolves staff following allegations of sexual misconduct that he has denied. The Knicks 2022 Media Day was titled “Content Day.”

Since 2001, the Knicks have required team personnel to be present when players are interviewed by the press. In a 2007 Sports Illustrated story, S.L. Price wrote that the Knicks have a “Big Brother reputation unsurpassed by any team in sports.” Also included in the piece is an anecdote about Bill Parcells calling a former Knicks coach and asking in a laughing but serious way, “Is this a clean line?”

Turning the Knicks into a silo is all that Dolan has been able to accomplish since he became Chairman of Madison Square Garden. The city’s most beloved team has turned into the joke that the Los Angeles Clippers have been for most of their existence. The franchise of Walt Frazier, Willis Reed, Bernard King, and Patrick Ewing has won four playoff rounds since the turn of the millennium, two of those in 2000.

Dolan has thrown money at Eddy Curry, Stephon Marbury, a broken Amare Stoudemire, and none of it has helped. The Knicks have not looked like a championship contender since Jeff Van Gundy was yelling at officials as their head coach, instead of at NBA fans across the world when he feels that a bad call was made.

Instead of making better basketball decisions, Dolan has taken the approach of declaring anyone who criticizes, or apparently professionals who represent someone with a legitimate claim against his company, as a mortal enemy.

I guess writing this column now puts me on that list as well. Hey if being the world’s most unsuccessful dictator makes him feel better about him cratering the reputation of a once proud franchise, so be it.

The NBA can’t move on until Kyrie Irving repents

The most important thing Dave Chappelle said during his Saturday Night Live monologue was unquestionably correct. The Jewish people have been through terrible things all over the world and our suffering in no way can be traced to Black Americans. Chappelle’s dead-on about that and anyone who thinks otherwise is racist. Point blank, period, with no exceptions.

Chappelle delivered the remark in the context of Kyrie Irving’s suspension from the Brooklyn Nets. Irving promoted an antisemitic documentary and book on his social media, then refused to accept responsibility for the aftermath. Because of his posts, the book — which incorrectly connects the Jewish people playing an integral role in the Atlantic slave trade — held three of the top-seven spots on Amazon’s bestseller list of religion and spirituality texts, including No. 1.

Irving’s return to the NBA is imminent. How he should be treated moving forward should be unique because the circumstances surrounding his suspension were a first for the league. The most important part is not shying away from the facts of why the Nets were without one of their best players for an extended stretch. Cherry-picking the circumstances behind Irving’s suspension was also part of Chappelle’s act and sets a bad precedent for what league commentators should do when calling Brooklyn’s games after Irving returns to the court.

I’m a fan of Chappelle, I have been for two decades. I’ve seen all 28 episodes of Chappelle’s Show multiple times. He’s a comedic genius. When I saw SNL booked him for its first post-midterm election show, I expected we’d get jokes at the expense of Herschel Walker and Donald Trump. Chappelle usually blends raw Americana into his stand-up bits and did so here brilliantly. I knew he’d also talk about Kanye West and Irving. Chappelle would’ve been off his game if provided a live mic on NBC and he didn’t dive into a high-profile, polarizing story with two famous Black men as main characters.

I was on the elliptical listening to Chappelle’s 15-minute monologue for the first time on Sunday night. Even with my expectations of what he’d talk about, I was determined to have a lighthearted attitude toward his jokes. It’s comedy and the foremost goal is to make us laugh. Chappelle’s material pierces through traditional humorous norms, which is why he’s endeared himself to so many and precisely why the cancel-culture crowd had their pitchforks ready to take him out of relevancy. And even with my displeasure as to some of the things Chappelle said on SNL, I don’t think he should lose any further bookings or media appearances over Saturday’s material. What’s more important is calling out the wrongs and how we all learn from them.

Chappelle’s jokes about Jewish people already having plans on “Sha-nah-nah” and asking why some in Judaism dress like Run-D.M.C. were hysterical to the point where I must’ve got weird looks while trying to contain my laughter. About two minutes later, my smile was completely gone with the line “Kanye got in so much trouble, Kyrie got in trouble.” I drew the line there because, in any performance art, communication is your greatest tool. If what you’re communicating isn’t accurate, nothing else matters. Irving got in trouble because of Irving. His negligent actions deserved punishment. Chappelle’s opening statement, comedy or not, where he denounced antisemitism in all its forms and he said he stands with the Jewish people, is exactly what Irving needed to say and horribly failed to do several times to avoid suspension. If Irving decided on his own to follow West’s actions, he couldn’t have had worse judgment. And he’s still liable.

Irving wasn’t just “slow” to apologize. He didn’t until his paycheck was taken away, putting into serious question its sincerity. His attempted apology hours after getting suspended misspelled antisemitism, as if the acknowledgment was an afterthought. Plus, the NBA didn’t suspend Irving. Brooklyn Nets owner Joe Tsai did. Contrary to some, I believe the league’s leadership made the right decision not to suspend Irving two weeks ago. There’s no historical precedent for suspending a player for hate speech on social media. It’s been up to the individual franchises, like the case of former Miami Heat center Meyers Leonard, who used an antisemitic slur on a video game livestream. He was suspended by his team indefinitely first, then given a one-week ban from the NBA before being ultimately traded to Oklahoma City. He never played a game for the Thunder and was released. An NBA-mandated suspension also would’ve been unfair to society at large. The LGBTQ+ community would’ve been rightly pissed to see Irving get a temporary ban from the NBA and not Minnesota’s Anthony Edwards, whose homophobic remarks surfaced on Instagram in September. The NBA and the Nets did fumble the bag waiting five days to take any disciplinary action.

Irving’s minimum five-game suspension will reach sit-out No. 7 Tuesday night, as he’s already been ruled out for Brooklyn’s road game against Sacramento. When he’s fulfilled Tsai’s “series of objective remedial measures that address the harmful impact of his conduct,” Irving will return to the court. Tsai can’t kick this can down the road forever. Irving will start again for the Nets and whether he’s booed or cheered during lineup announcements doesn’t concern me. What I am invested in is how Irving is described when he’s back on the floor and how he doesn’t deserve a fresh slate. That’s also why I took issue with LeBron James’ tweet on Thursday, before the Nets hadn’t even been without Irving for five games. I know James wants to support his friend, but the message’s timing was horrible and the content was tone-deaf. Irving made this mess himself and the clean-up process should completely be in Tsai’s control.

For historical context, Michael Vick never outran his dog-fighting stigma, even after spending 21 months in federal prison. When Irving returns, he’ll have served the appropriate time away from basketball. As talk of the suspension comes up in conversation, lessening the facts and sticking to sports is irresponsible. Irving’s on-court return needs to be paired with public repentance. He’ll have to speak to the media again soon, where he’ll be peppered with questions about what he learned during his time away. I’ll be curious to hear his answer, hopefully starting with “I’m truly sorry to the Jewish people and everyone my actions have hurt.”

A few of Chappelle’s remarks devalued Judaism and normalized antisemitism during a major uptick in awareness of the plight of the Jewish people. Antisemitic actions are sprouting up more too, like the disgusting graffiti found in Bethesda, Maryland on Monday. Should the NBA and those calling league games treat Irving like Chappelle did, they will be doing the Jewish people a massive disservice. There’s nothing comedic about that. 

On Monday night, the Golden State Warriors learned a valuable lesson about who to not put in front of a live microphone. During the Warriors’ live telecast of their game against the San Antonio Spurs, the team brought back Bay Area legends Tim Hardaway, Mitch Richmond, and Chris Mullin. They called it the “Run TMC” takeover, which is an homage to the trios’ time with the franchise from 1989 to 1991.

All had gone well through the first half of the broadcast, then, early in the third quarter, there was a moment that has since gone viral. During a Warriors fast break in which Stephen Curry was fouled on the wing while shooting a three-pointer, Hardaway went into business for himself, uttering a phrase he surely wishes he could take back.

“So y’all thought that was great D, I thought that was just raping him,” Hardaway exclaimed in an awkward on-air moment. The killer crossover creator, Hardaway, did apologize later in the broadcast, but that doesn’t negate his lack of self-awareness.

You’d think a guy whose mouth has gotten him in trouble and cost him money in the past would choose his words more wisely. In 2007, Hardaway was a guest on Dan Le Batard’s radio show in Miami and went on a tirade about how he hated “gay people” and wouldn’t want them in the locker room.

“You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known,” Hardaway said. “I don’t like gay people, and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.”

Following Hardaway’s hateful rant, the former All-Star guard was persona non grata around the NBA for a few years.

Sometimes you can get a little too comfortable and forget you’re in a professional space. That was neither the time nor place for that crude comment. If it’s a must that you use that kind of terminology, it needs to be left at home. No one needs to hear that during a basketball game on a foul that wasn’t nearly as egregious as the announcer’s comment.

Sexual violence is a topic that hits close to home for so many people. Most people either know someone close to them or have been a victim of sexual assault. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women in the United States has been a victim of sexual violence. In the U.S., 81 percent of women and 43 percent of men have reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime.

Luckily, Hardaway’s apology came much quicker following his recent “slip of the tongue” than it did following his homophobic tirade, but it shows he hasn’t learned anything from his past indiscretion. I’m all for second chances, and clearly, the Warriors are too, since they brought Hardaway back into the fold a few years back.

Being stationed in the San Francisco Bay area, the Warriors have been an inclusive organization over the years. Former team President Rick Welts was an openly gay executive in the league and came out in 2011, then helped build the Warriors into the dynasty we know today.

Hardaway will forever be tied to this Golden State franchise, but it doesn’t make it easy for them when he makes comments like these. It’s great that he apologized, but when people continue to make the same “mistakes,” it makes you wonder if they’re ever paying attention. It’s ok to have a filter sometimes. It shows maturity and self-control. Or if you can’t help yourself, you can always invest in a muzzle.

One of the pastimes of my college football fan experience was sneaking booze into the stadium. A lot of venues nixed alcohol sales after crowds devolved into angry mobs in the ’90s. A few rolled back those policies recently, and whether it’s due to the unending greed of universities, or a sense of helplessness because attendees shoved shooters into any and all crevices, it highlights a fact of fandom that Qatar will soon realize as it readies to host soccer supporters at the World cup.

And that is: People are going to get belligerent, and yell, cry, bark, shout, laugh, hug, high five, occasionally throw things on the field; or, worst case, start a riot in the stands despite the best efforts of authority figures.

While I doubt we’ll see Ultras descend upon Ar Rayyan like a bunch of brain-washed lunatics and try to stab each other with road flares, there will be plenty of adult beverages despite the best efforts of organizers to discourage fun in general. Some beautiful — and dedicated — soul has already compiled an alcohol map of Qatar, and that thing is going to be leaned on like that friend you have in New York who knows how to get all the good drugs.

You can put the beer tents in the least visible/accessible nooks and crannies of the fan fests, and the only thing it’s going to hinder is crowd movement. Clearly, these dolts have never been to a kegger where a couple of stoned bros threw the barrel of Natty Light in the worst possible location, causing extended wait times, a surly crowd, and probably a serious fire hazard.

The other aspect it overlooked is that the easiest liquor to sneak into places also leads to the sloppiest drunks. I keep going back to the college experience because many students double majored in alcohol consumption, but dollar shot night never ends well. When your options have been reduced to straight-up, little chaser, that’s when things get rowdy.

(Cheap drink night also isn’t as easy on the bank account as you’d think. Waking up to a $97 charge usually comes with little knowledge of how it got there.)

If anything, beer and wine should be readily offered because we’ve all seen Gus after one too many whiskeys, or Gloria six-martinis deep, and that’s fun for no one.

“Overrun with obliterated tourists” is how most service industry people spend their busy seasons, and the corrupt dolts who made a power play for the World Cup should’ve taken that into consideration before they wired those millions into awaiting offshore accounts.

Additionally, I know why I’m seeing “Visit Qatar” ads for the first time in the history of television. I just want to say it’s not going to work. It’s 118 in the shade, there’s little booze, sex outside of marriage is outlawed, and you can hear the cries of dead laborers emanating from the country’s infrastructure. But, yeah, sign me up for that $871 round-trip ticket.

These gentle “we don’t do that here” reminders are going to stop people from drinking about as much as Qatar’s “we don’t talk about Bruno” campaign is going to temper protests about the parade of human rights fiascos that accompanied its preparation for the tournament.

Telling soccer fans they can’t drink works about as well as telling a bunch of college football fans that booze is off-limits in the stadium. The challenge has been accepted, and no amount of wands, metal detectors, frisks, or bag searches is going to prevent public intoxication.

It might not be Las Vegas, “Oh my god, did that guy just puke his McDonalds back into the bag?” levels of sloppiness, but there will be way more drinking than Qatar would like.